fatherless...

my father died december 19, 1981. i was six years old then, my family is so unique that when tatay passed away, male figure vanished with him. i had 2 sisters, the eldest one was 16 years old while the second sister was turning twelve when i was born. so that makes me generations younger than them. tatay died at a time when i was still in need of his presence. but nanay as hard as she could played both parents to me while i was growing up.

i was in grade one when tatay died, i remember that when classmates quarrel with me, it always bring me sadness because i also thought that playmates were treating me that way because i was also partly to blame for the death of tatay...young as i was at that time, i was regretful of leaving him during the christmas vacation to go to manila and visit the then famous COD. Tatay did not want me to go because he said that if i'd go with relatives to manila he will die. for me, i thought that would never happen, because i believe it was too impossible. besides, we'd be arriving before christmas day.

Tatay remembered...
what i remember most about tatay was he was clean, organized and often put "pamada" in his hair to become shiny and neat. i don't like the smell of his hair, because i felt dizzy whenever i smell it(the hair). he has his own closet separate from nanay's, his clothes were neatly folded, he uses his own towel and shines his shoes all the time. he goes to work well groomed.

i remember tatay hugs me all the time, sometimes i ran away from him because his hair pomade irritates me and really makes me dizzy. i am tatay's favorite of course, being the youngest daughter, he always give me what i want especially when i ask for money. tatay brings me to manila, everytime he has seminars and meetings (he was the former municipal treasurer of rosales, pangasinan) he brings me presents everytime he comes home from those seminars, one time he bought a me a shirt which has a written "my daddy is a treasurer" at the back. another time, he brought me oranges, during those times, oranges, apples and grapes were precious commodoties here in the philippines, you can't just buy those fruits in the market or anywhere unlike today.

because my two sisters were already studying in college in manila, i was the only daughter left at home with nanay and tatay. one morning, as i was to take my breakfast, nanay told me that tatay arrived that night from work and did not eat the grape he picked from a vine (i cannot remember where) because he was intending to give it to me. ha ha ha, take note, one grape lang yun ha.

months before tatay, died, i woke up one morning to find dresses and a pair of sandals. nanay said it came from tatay, because he came from manila and i did not go with him at that time. i tried to fit those but it look too big for me, even the shoes were too big for me...nanay said that i will be using the clothes and shoes when i will be in grade three, by that time...those will fit me perfectly.

i remember one black out night, tatay held a candle to accompany me to the bathroom, because i wanted to pee. and i was so scared to be alone. we walked together while i was clinging to him.

tatay enjoys eating, he eats a lot...actually during the wake, my cousins and sisters were looking for a picture to be placed on his coffin, but cannot find any solo pictures that he is not holding a plate and eating. actually i inherited his taste on food, i too love to eat his favorite food, i even inherited his appetite "i guess."

childhood without tatay
after tatay's death, i usually go to his closet and smell his clothes, which as far as what i can still remember now smells exactly just like him. his favorite orange towel and white sando shirts. his hanged barong and pants and shorts. downstairs, nanay placed all his tennis equipments in a glass closet, there were some tennis balls left unopened (tatay plays tennis) which i refused to open and play with because those were tatays. there were his shoes, shoe polish, creams and shoe brush.

my childhood seems to be different...i became more demanding of other people's attention and understanding. i always want to be appreciated and demand attention from people around me, whether it be nanay or my playmates. i had a lot of dreams about him that sometimes it seem to be so true. there was a "paramdam" i experienced while playing beside the house in front of an acacia tree one quiet noon, when suddenly there was a smell of a candle smoke.

growing up
i studied high school in manila, whenever i come home to pangasinan for a vacation, i always have second thoughts of opening the album that has pictures of tatay's wake and funeral. everytime i go home, i have to gain strength to open it but i always end up opening it and taking a long look of his pictures in the coffin. this always make me cry so hard. i always go to his closet, touch his clothes, but as time goes by, his clothes starts to disappear. i wonder why. his socks were in a small box that i sometimes try on.

there were times even now that i come to miss him...i always miss him, and regrets that i did not have so much time spent with him. what could have been my life growing up with a father...